What goes around...Comes around.

Hello all, been a while since I posted anything really. basically there too many variable that ate my time away. Anyway, heres a somewhat food for thought, the paradox of this rule "what goes around comes around". It's odd, awkward and brutally true.
It's real enough to just sit here this morning, feeling the sensation of this pain that is running through my skin. My head's screaming the words "rejection. denial, alone, unworthy, lost", while my heart is pretty much screaming the same thing. It's weird because not too long ago i was consoling a friend of mine about being lonely. the chain of events are ironically as if the table turned an exact 180 degrees. The sensation I helped them maneuver, is whats thrown right back at me. The cherry on top is just the phrase running through my head "destined to be alone". It's not the first time i felt this way, just 6 years ago...i was on the same road, sick and tired of living it by myself. My make-shift dates, lovers, friends and foes. This all leads to nothing but self pity? Very true...but its better than living through pain over and over again just to show how much one is in need of love.
The loop had to end somewhere, even if it makes me loose the personality completely. The breaking of this loop, is indeed the breaking of the person's esteem, morals, joys and everything within.
So i pretty much sit there, somewhere away i can be left alone for a while. I sit there watching the person i love mingle with the crowd, happy and living the life one did at some point in life.
It's not jealousy but rather bitterness towards where life's brought me back to square one. I had the pleasure of loving two people, and now I'm sitting here facing the consequences of a double breakup. All the pain and anger within those two people somehow channelized through a medium, and hit me right back down.
A soldier however, always gets up from his fall.
This soldier wounded on the heart...
This soldier, is probably destined to fight alone...

The Time Trap

Stuck in the trap of time.

I live seeing the things i've always wanted to do. I tried it all, but faced nothing but rejection. It's part of who I am. it's enlightened every time I feel the sensations of what I want. The realms of love and romance, the denial of getting either.
I left one for the other but as the saying goes, ' one in the hand is better than 2 in the bush' . The bush where others find them all..
it reminds me of being a candidate, nothing more. A customer of love, that is bestowed upon the richer, stronger, famous and more superior.
I'm reminded of being just an inferior being.
The rules of respecting the superior beings. Ironic its called robbery if it's taken without mutual consent, but victory if taken from an inferior. the rules don't apply to the ones that made it..
Then the song plays in my head "where did I go wrong, I lost a friend".
Known as the happy pervert in the group people I call friends, but then they face the isolated part, and ask if I'm alright. The sweet things 'friends' do, but I'm at a point of no return.
A journey through rough tides and winds. Add in a little lightning to break vision. Ignoring the rashes in my grip, I grasp tighter battling my way to keep balance. I embrace the ruthless rage of mother nature as she unleashes her anger from the self prophesied egoistic beings. A tide flips this raft I cling onto, and I feel water invade my lungs, irritating the system of my body. I cry, but the tears are lost in the wild salty water that's been stinging my eyes.
Accepting death, defeat and living denial is a railway line I'm tied to. A train in the distant humming, shaking of gravel to convince its very existence. I close my eyes thinking of the last time I held the girl I loved. The sweet smell of her lips, and the curls of her hair I brushed behind her ear. Tucked in the comfort of my blanket, kissed by the morning light of the sun. It seemed like heaven, or more like self made heaven that would bring timeless paradigm into play. Now the shaking is stronger, the sound of gravel getting more dense.
Sitting at this point in time, I look up at the raven I loved through time, seeing it pair with another being. Accepting all the things I was denied. I sit wondering how life became so predictable, and the choices that lead me to this consequence.
I smile bidding my life and lovers good bye, to a new paradigm and a new place of sufferings. I bid goodbye to the promised and the ones I wished to have some time with. Denied of all. I fought for none. I sit waiting for the train running over my corpse, the tides swallowing me in vain of rage and vengeance.
This is indeed the trap of time I'm stuck in.